Conversations With Mum

  • Bye Bye, Mum.

    My mum passed on to whatever is next on the 12th of December. I didn’t make it to her in time as I had to take several stops on the journey because I was so tired and my hands in so much pain. I missed her by less than an hour.

  • The Chiropodist is on first base. Mum’s still in the dressing room…

    Mum visits the chiropodist in Oldmeldrum every 2 or 3 weeks. She has visited this chiropodist for around 5 years.   Mum: I got my chiropodist appointment through. It’s for a Wednesday. Me: Which Wednesday, Mum? Tomorrow? Mum: No, next week. The 11th. Oh, and I’ve to get my heart thing at the same place.…

  • Luther

    In the car, taking mum to Tesco (where else?) and running out of things to tell her. She watches a LOT of TV, so… Me: Did you watch Luther last night? Mum: What? Me: Luther. Mum: What? Me: (louder) Luther. Mum: What? Me: (louder) Luther. Mum: Flipper? No, I didn’t see Flipper was it- Me:…

  • I’ll pay for it.

    Me: What’s that noise? Mum: It’s just the trough falling out the car. Me: The what now? Mum: The trough. Me: The trough? There’s no trough in the car. Mum: The…trow. Me: Trow? Do you mean trowel?

  • Merry Christmas, Mum

    Even before I left, I knew doing the Christmas shopping with my mum wasn’t a good idea. I was proven right. First, we went to Lidl. “What’s that?” “A jigsaw.” “Oh. That’s nice. What’s that?” “A calligraphy set.” “….” “A fancy pen.”

  • I thought it was drab.

      Me: Did you like the Olympic opening ceremony? Mum: I’m undecided. Me: Really? Why’s that? Mum: I thought it was awfully…drab. And it spent too long dwelling on the war. I lived through it, you know. Me: But the war was only a remembrance of those who died and it didn’t last long at…

  • No one expects…

    Another Tesco trip, this time with my daughter as well as mum. Mum: So, will you remember to order one of they nighties from Markies for me? Me: Yes, Mum. I’ll do it tonight. Mum: I’ve got loads of pyjamas, but I don’t

  • Open Windows

    We’re coming home from Tesco. Mum: I’m too hot. Me: Why don’t you open the window then? Mum: I don’t know how. Me: (encouragingly) Yes you do! You remember. Mum: (thinks) Oh, aye! (makes a grab for a handle) Me: NOOOOOOOOO! That’s the door handle! The windows are electric! Mum: Oh. Me: (plans on doubling…

  • Debate

    Me: Your granddaughter is going to parliament to watch a debating competition. Mum: Where? Me: Parliament. Mum: London? (smiling) Me: No, Edinburgh. Mum: (frowns) Ah widnae go to Edinburgh just now. Me: Why not? Mum: ‘Cos of that Legionnaires disease. Me: It’s not catching… Mum: (raises eyebrows)

  • Heinz Cream Crackers

    Me: Mum, do you need anything in this aisle? Mum: No, I’ve got plenty of biscuits. Me: This is the soup aisle. Mum: No. Unless they have Scotch Broth. Is that the one I like? Me: *mutters and throws cans into trolley*