This cow is small, those ones outside are faraway….

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Today was one of those days when my mum was comedy gold.

I had to go into town to return a pair of trousers my daughter bought in Sainsbury’s so I thought we’d take mum with us for a few hours out of the house. We live in a small village about 20 miles outside Aberdeen and much of our journey is through countryside. We passed by the copse in this photograph, as we have passed it by many, many times before. In fact, twice a week, on average. Mum looked at it as we drove past.

“That’s funny looking up there.”

“What’s that, mum?”

“That thing that’s on its own there.”

“What thing?” (Remember, I’m driving and can’t take my eyes off the road)

“That bit back there where they bushes are.”

I cottoned on to what she was talking about now.

“Those aren’t bushes, those are trees, mum.”

“No they’re no.”

“Yes, they are.”

“I know what trees look like and they looked like bushes.”

“Trees.”

“But there was one bit of them, in a line, like bushes.”

“That’s because there are a lot of trees all growing close together on the hill.”

“But these are too wee to be trees.”

“No, mum. They’re just far away.”

And you thought Dougal was unbelievable? Did Father Ted know my mother, I wonder…

So, we’re driving along a dual carriageway and mum sees a road sign.

“That poster’s lying”

“Eh?”

“That poster was lying. It said it was 12 miles to Aberdeen but it isny. It canny be cos there’s another sign back there that says 7 miles and we haven’t gone 5 miles.”

“I don’t think so, mum. Back there? Are you sure we passed a sign saying Aberdeen was 7 miles?”

“No we haven’t passed it yet.”

“… “

“I’m sure I remember it just up the road from here. But that might have been a different road… Anyway, that one,” she points to a sign saying 10 miles to Aberdeen, “MUST be lying cos we haven’t gone 5 miles since the last one.”

“But the last one said 12 miles”

“Oh, that’s alright then…”

We were almost at our destination when she told me that most mornings she sometimes makes two cups of tea usually.

And if you can understand that lot, you’re a better man than me, Gunga Din!
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